It is around this time of year that Fashion Statement likes to dig out its Swarovski jewel-encrusted crystal ball, don its fringed headscarf and get down to the serious business of trend forecasting. Yes, the bling does make it a tad difficult to peer into the fabulous fashion future, and yes, we could just look at last September's shows to see what will be painfully fashionable in a few months time, but where's the fun in that? Also, since looking back to the shows tells us that 1970s floral psychedelia will be everywhere, we prefer to adopt a position of ignorance. Note to the world: skin-tight flares are no more flattering than skin-tight jeans, unless your thighs are the width of a broom handle.
However, in order to ensure that you don't inadvertently commit some heinous style error that will live eternally on our consciences, here are 10 predictions for 2011. Any fines you incur from the fashion police are therefore entirely your own responsibility, and FS accepts no liability for the unworn capes, 50s wasp-waist dresses and pencil skirts feeding the moths in your wardrobe. Fashion is a fickle beast and you must run FAST in your nine-inch stiletto heels to keep up.
1. Ballet, ballet everywhere
Fashion does love a movie (or, at a pinch, a TV series: hello Mad Men!) to shamelessly plunder for trends. Black Swan, starring Natalie Portman, is this season's celluloid-based wardrobe. If, like FS, you were made to spend precious hours of your childhood actually doing ballet (and by "doing" we mean "gallumphing around in a tutu") then we venture to suggest that you should avoid this trend like the plague. Not only is anything that generally involves lithe, supple dancers in spandex guaranteed to make you feel like a heffalump, but it might also trigger pirouette-based flashbacks. And who wants to run amok with a pair of pointe shoes and a shiny baby blue leotard unless they have to?
2. The return of the scrunchie
Is there no trend too ghastly to be recycled? Apparently not, for FS has received the deeply disturbing news that the top hair trend of the 80s is set to return. What would Carrie say? Will alice bands be next? Can we bear to carry on?
3. Bankers' bonuses to be index-linked to trends
Well, if you have to negotiate a 43-page style guide just to get up and go to work in the morning, wouldn't you demand a few extra zeroes? It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for them. Ssssh, we said almost.
4. Royal wedding blah blah blah
Some previously unheard-of frock designer will have their opinion canvassed on everything from trouser shapes to climate change, all because they made a white meringue. Now if it actually was a meringue, FS would sit up and pay attention. As would Lady Gaga.
5. Fruit: out of the basket, into the wardrobe
Wear your bananas on your head, your oranges on your ears and your pineapples on your pumps. Look, we didn't make these trends, OK? Don't shoot the messenger, not even with rotting fruit. Blame Miuccia Prada instead.
6. Lady Gaga to wear a suit
Well, she's done everything else, from telephone tailoring to Kermit couture via a butchers shop, so the logical next step is to actually wear some normal clothes. That really would shock the world.
7. RIP neutrals
Were you harassed by shiny-raised-print weekly magazines into "investing" in key neutral pieces? More fool you. That camel coat and those plain black trousers? Put 'em away, you won't be needing them for a long time. If it's not eye-wateringly bright, animal print or floral fantasy, the fashion world doesn't want to know. If, on the other hand, you adopt all three of these at the same time, then top marks to you. Just give your colleagues fair warning to don the shades first.
8. Token plus-model casting at the autumn/winter shows
This will guarantee precious picture coverage in newspapers for the savvy designer in question. He/she will not have designed these clothes for plus-size people, mind. Don't be silly.
9. Shoe confusion
Honestly, you'd almost think the fashion press don't get together at a terribly chic conference and decide on a common theme for the year, wouldn't you? On the one hand (or, indeed, foot), flat shoes are set to have a "moment". On the other five-digited extremity, nine-inch stilettos are threatened. Do not adopt one of each, you'll just fall over.
10. More celebrity sprogs
Odds on, some poor staffer at a fashion magazine will not get access to a show because Willow Smith wants to whip her hair around the front row. Probably whipping it straight into Romeo Beckham of GQ's style list fame. Bet you feel old now.
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